I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
