I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
