and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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