All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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