my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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