I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no you cant smoke seaweed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
