Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
