I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
