We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
