You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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