also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
