They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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