why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
