the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
