I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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