It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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