I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
