On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Barsexuality is the new black.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
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