Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
