I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
