why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
