I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
