glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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