Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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