I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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