sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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