I wish I could teleport
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
