sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
