Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
