My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
