Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
