my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
