We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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