some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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