One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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