I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
