i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
