So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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