Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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