i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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