Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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