I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
