I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
