I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
