You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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