saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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