Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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