I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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