My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
