Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize