Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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