Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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