Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He did a backflip because drugs
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