She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
