I got chris browned last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
