Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
