i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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