I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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