Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no, he came in my armpit
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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