Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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