So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
